Keeping Busy

First off I would like to thank everyone for the comments of encouragement and also I am glad I was able to help a few people out there that needed to hear that they were not alone and there are ways to get help. I definitely feel a lot better knowing people have gone through similar things as me and I am not crazy just need some adjusting. Things are going good I have had a few bad days lately but with Moss help and remembering what people have said I have gotten through them. My dear friend Kristi gave me a awesome book and cd. I turn on the cd when I need a little pick me up and it is amazing what it does to me. I had forgotten how much I love good wholesome music and how it effects me in such a positive way. Thanks for the reminder Kristi!

I have been in the mood to do a lot of projects lately which is a good sign so here are some of out latest. I have been putting off doing the extra shelf in my pantry because I wasn't too confident in my skills when it was going to be holding up important stuff. I finally got brave and went to work. Moss helped a little bit but for the most part I did it all by myself. It made me feel good:)

Next we started on doing some of the plants in the back yard. Moss has been working at night more often so the bud and I have to find something to keep up busy. I am now an expert at drip systems and digging holes in really hard ground. Here is the result...we will fill it in with gravel eventually.

The most fun thing I have done recently it taken the time to have some me time and get my hair done. I wanted something drastic and I got exactly what I wanted. I LOVE it! Moss says I am officially a Mom with short hair but a cute Mom so it's all good. Amanda Visser did it and it was so fun to chat with her and watch her work her magic. I highly recommend going to her at Fancy Hair.

Brenden has been busy learning to copy pretty much everything I do from putting on my makeup (which Moss isn't so sure about) to wanted to help with everything. He recently helped mop the floor...

But he eventually gets tired and will just conk out at random which I think is so so cute!

Life...

This post will be a lot different than the ones I have done in the past. There will be no pictures and mostly just a long story about life as of late. I have been debated weather or not to document this last year of my life that has been not known to many people other than my family but as I have been discussing things and reading things from family and friend and just this weird feeling of I need to say something I have decided to write. I am hoping what I have to say will help someone either now or in the future.

Life is definitely not all roses and rainbows and I know I tend to be a downer sometimes but I am not doing this post for your sympathy or anything like that. I am going to try to make the subject of what our family has been going through not so taboo and help people understand. The weeks after Moss and I got married I had a really hard time adjusting to the whole forever thing. I thought I was crazy and was the only person that felt this way. I just didn't want to do anything and at some points just wanted to be a lone. After a couple of weeks it either went away or I got used to it. Things got better for the most part and life seemed like it could not get better. We then decided to have a baby of our own. The pregnancy was awesome and we were very excited. Brenden was born and things got hard. I am in no way blaming any of this on Brenden and I want to stress that point. I am blaming this on hormones and biology. The two weeks after Brenden was born was pretty much the worst time of my life. I was having what I now know was severe anxiety. I just remember being scared of everything and being so scared I had brought a baby into this world and I had no idea what I was doing. The nights were the worst and it was not because Brenden wasn't sleeping it was just that it was dark and that some how hype up my anxiety to what I thought then was the worst. Eventually again it went away. Not nearly soon enough though. It was then that I started to notice life just wasn't fun anymore. I just didn't get the joy out of things that I used to. I figured it was just thats what happens when you become and adult and become a mom. About eight months ago it got really bad. I has slowly slipped in to a pretty bad depression and I didn't even know it. All I knew was life sucked and it wasn't getting any better soon. As I look back now I am glad that at that point my anxiety hit the roof. I do not think I would of thought anything was chemically wrong with me. I was worried about everything and pretty much every night I was battling panic attacks. Eventually they started to spread to the day time. Then I knew I could not do this on my own anymore.

If you are going to feel bad for anyone in this story feel bad for Moss. This poor kid was constantly trying to convince me a crazy woman I was not going crazy. That was my worst fear. With anxiety comes being way paranoid. I was convinced Moss was cheating on me and would question him about everything. Looking back on it now I don't know why he stuck through it all. I don't know many husbands that would especially how nicely he did. I think it helped a lot that he was taking a billion psychology classes at that time and knew it was not me talking it was the anxiety. I knew my mom had dealt with depression her whole life so I humbled myself and called her. I told her mostly about my anxiety and she said I have never had that but I really think you are depressed Christie and you need to talk to someone about it. She said when I was young she could see signs that I had it in me. I remember when I was about 5 watching the news and having my first panic attack. I felt like a couldn't breathe and just so scared. It was weird because it was oddly comforting to hear this is not normal you are not suppose to feel this way and things can be better and should be.

I waited a few more weeks until I finally told Moss I needed help serious help. He suggested we go see a psychologist. This time hearing those words devastated me. I realized I was broken and had no control of fixing myself by myself. It was then Moss told me something that I wish everyone would understand and not be so freaked out about mental illnesses. He said very kindly. Christie you are sick and we are going to a doctor it is as simple as that. I even tear up writing this now for many reasons...Moss' extremely unconditional love which I never new until all of this. I literally feel like he saved me from my self. The appointment was made and we had to wait 3 weeks for it. That seemed like a life time. I should of been so excited at this time of my life. We were building a house Brenden was starting walking and things were good but I just never could get excited about things. The day finally came and Moss and I hand in hand started our journey together of fixing me and eventually fixing our family. It was very enlightening the things the man said. For example, I have always had a hard time getting over things. If someone crossed me at any point in my life I would not be able to forgive them ever. I just could not let go of anything. I would replay it in my mind over and over and over almost enjoying the pain it brought me. The worst part was forgiving myself for things I had done. I just could not do it. The dude said that is a symptom of anxiety, you just can't let go of things. It was really good to hear someone explain to me why I am the way I am . He also told me that people with the disorder have a very hard time thinking about forever which explained why I was so freaked out when Moss and I got married. We went and I bawled through about 4 appointments with Moss holding my hand the whole time. At home there were days when I was done...there was no reason to keep going other than someone needed to take care of Brenden. Thank goodness for that. We eventually decided I would be best to start on some medication. First we tried this Vitamin regiment that worked for a but but then my anxiety came back and it never really helped with the depression. We then headed to our family Dr and got some pills. It was really comforting to hear that a lot of mothers have this problem and I was not alone. That is another reason for this post. Everyone tells you what stroller to by and the best way to get your baby to sleep but no one ever warns you about this kind of thing. People probably look down on me for giving this kind of warning when my friends are pregnant but I would of loved someone to warn me. I started the pills and it was a little hard to get used to. Having anxiety is really tricky because I would be so scared to take the pills and worry about the side effects. Moss and I decided he would know the side effects and I would tell him if I felt weird because my body is really good at tricking itself into believing there is something wrong. I didn't have too bad of a reaction other than being way antsy the first couple of days and not being able to sleep well. After about two weeks there was one day when I just woke up happy. I could get excited about things. I cannot explain how good that felt. I felt like how I did in high school. I loved life! My anxiety was gone, I wasn't scared to live anymore.

That was about 2 weeks ago. Since then I have had my good days and my bad. Which they say is normal with your body getting used to the medication. I have a lot of hope for the future now and am aware that I will deal with this probably for the rest of my life but now I have the tools to fight it. Depression and anxiety are real chemical imbalances just like diabetes is a real medical condition. Everyone is just to scared to talk about them or think you just need to grow up and get over it. I can only imagine what would happen if someone with Cancer was told that. It should be the same way with mental disorders. I am very grateful for Moss and all of the hell he went through this last year and a half, all the while trying to finish up school run a club and deal with all the other aspect of life. Yeah life is meant to be a challenge but it is not meant to be something you just want to sleep through because it is too hard to get out of bed. Although Brenden cannot understand it right now but he was a huge part of keeping me going. If not for the smiles in the morning I don't think I would of gotten out of bed most days. I know that God knows what he is doing and gives us trials to perfect ourselves and I am not sure of all the reasons yet but I know they are there. This post is meant to help people understand and if there is anyone out there that needs to hear you are not alone please understand you are not. I will get back to happy posting soon don't worry:)

Laying some sod

The last couple of weeks Brenden has been enjoying the mud a lot. If there is even a square inch of mud he will find it and enjoy it as if it were a whole acre. 

He is getting really good at cleaning himself up though.

 

Brenden is especially good at helping Moss fix the sprinklers. He tries to do everything with Moss. He sits as close at possible and steals all of his tools.

Luckily now we will have a little less chance of him finding the mud because we have 3200 sq ft grass now!  That is 3200 sq ft left of potential mud:)

We were very luckily to have lots of people come and help. A few people form Moss works, Supe, Timmy and Heather’s family. Heather and Cam did awesome rolling them out. Lexi was the best babysitter.

Connor was so excited to help he could not contain his excitement.

 

 

The final project! Can’t wait to spend many nights running around and teaching Brenden the ways of soccer:)

Bout’ Ready?

Since Brenden was born every time I would take him out of the bath I would say, “Bout’ Ready?” Eventually I started using it for when it’s time to go to bed. A couple weeks ago whenever I would say it Brenden would do this little shy head tilt and frown. It is way cute in real life but you can kind of get the idea in pictures.  He would not stop smiling though…

Super Fun Weekend!

The last weekend was a lot of fun. First off on Wednesday I got a urge to craft a bunch so I made a few things. First I painted this wood letters for my craft room.

Then I made this letters for my entry way.

Last I made this collage of Brenden pictures for the hallway. 

Moss’ dad had a heart attack earlier in the week so on Thursday night we were able to have Jay Brynn and there cute daughter Madi come stay with us for the weekend. On Friday we spent the day over at Moss’ parents house. His dad is recovering really well and it was fun to hang out with everyone. We got to play lots of fun board games and even gather around our TV for a movie. Luckily we have not sold our other couches yet so we had lots of sitting:) Saturday morning the boys went out for a moutain bike ride while Brynn and I slept in:) That afternoon we headed out to gunlock and I finally started to take some pictures. Brenden loved it out there! He skipped rocks with daddy.

He also loved walking the beach with Grandma and digging in the dirt.

Before dinner we headed out on a canoe ride. This was Brenden’s second time on the canoe and he reacted the same way he did when he was 6 months old, just kind of sat there. Moss and I had fun at least.

We then had some very yummy dinner.

During dinner Brenden needed an extra babysitter so Moss came up with this idea.

It worked pretty good for awhile until he got scared by a stink bug that was the size of my phone.

After the food had settled Moss and Supe went for a swim across the lake. I like it when I know Moss is doing something he likes.  

Brenden and I spent some quality time together on the beach. 

 

We then came home and played some more fun games. It was a very fun weekend and I love hanging out with Moss family so often.